Backseat driving.
Beloved,
Welcome to your Wednesday Love Note, where I offer tips + inspo to help you cultivate and protect your peace, both personally and professionally—even with a busy-ass schedule.
First, here’s what's happening in the BGV ecosystem this week:
I’ve got a new course coming soon! It’s aimed to help you cultivate and protect your PEACE OF MIND… always a relevant topic, and seemingly now more than ever.
Stay tuned! Pre-sale drops next week.
Onto today’s inspo.
It was a balmy evening in Ojai, California as I stood behind the alto section of my own choir, participating from the back of the room while my husband directed a song.
We had started our choir, The InCourage Chorus, a year earlier, and in the first year we had grown our membership to over 80 singers. On this particular eve, I happily swayed, sang and sweated from the back of the room as we rehearsed a song for the upcoming spring concert.
But as we rolled through the song, my mouth popped open to interject something about the dynamics of the song. I must have unconsciously done this several times, because suddenly, Ben stopped the song. Looking me straight in the eyes, and in front of everyone, he coyly barked, “Honey, stop backseat directing! I’ve got it!”
It says a lot about my sweetie that he had a smile on his face as he said those words. I, along with the rest of our choir, started laughing. Face flushed, I chortled, apologized, and humbly shut my mouth.
In that moment, I vowed to myself to never backseat direct him again.
And you know why I was able to stick to that vow?
Because I learned my lesson.
A good lesson in humility doesn’t shame or leave a scar, but actually changes your perspective permanently.
Here are 3 takeaways from this lesson, which still makes me smile years later:
1) A good lesson is served up with love, kindness, and a firm hand… even (especially) when it involves constructive feedback.
2) It is possible to get humbled with a delighted chuckle rather than a shame spiral. I’m not convinced shame is ever productive for teaching, learning or improving behavior (h/t Brené Brown), but I know for sure that this outcome was possible because both giver (Ben) and receiver (me) took an attitude of love and levity.
3) When you actually trust your people, they can unfold their wings. If you're hovering over their shoulder, micromanaging or needing everything they do to be "perfect" according to your standards, you have some internal work to do, and they never get to strengthen their unique abilities or gifts.
As I reflect on this memorable evening, the 17th verse of the Tao Te Ching comes to mind:
“When you don’t trust the people,
You make them untrustworthy.”
– translated by Stephen Mitchell
“To give no trust
Is to get no trust.”
– translated by Ursula Le Guin
So for my leaders, CEOs, parents, employers, adult children, or anyone who has given constructive feedback lately (gracefully or not):
Where are you backseat directing?
How might you give a little more trust to your people?
Because a good life is built upon trust.
In your corner,